Let's play fill in the blanks!

I just had a fun idea for a game! We'll play fill in the blanks. It will be fun, since I am the one hosting it, obviously. Here we go. I'll give the template and then I'll fill in the blanks! What fun!

Squirrels are            and they deserve to be                 . Dogs are                         and they deserve to lots of love and          .

Here I go!

Squirrels are evil and they deserve to be punished with a baconless life.  Dogs are the best creatures ever in all of life and they deserve lots of love and bacon.

Yep, still brilliant!

This is what's happening woof now,

C. Dork Dog

I am a year older and a year wiser

Friends,

Monday was my 8th birthday and since that day I have gained incredible insight on the world. I now know things that you couldn't possibly imagine, I am pure brilliant and it is overwhelming. I am now an older dog and my humans always say old is wise, so I'm obviously wise. Very wise indeed, but you already knew that, didn't you? Someday, I shall be discovered as the smartest being this universe has ever seen, and then I shall be worshiped by everyone, even the lowly squirrels, which will become lowly servant squirrels. But until that day, I shall live as a normal dog, the only proof of my extreme intelligence lies in this blog. I'm also a poet, and I very much know it. Haha. Farewell by less-intelligent fellow beings.

This is what's happening woof now,

C. Dork Dog

The Steel Sidewalk of DOOM.

Friends,

Yesterday I was out walking with my humans when I came upon my old foe...the steel sidewalk of doom. You have not been informed of this sinister beast yet, but he lives, and he kills. My humans run across him, somehow invincible to his horrible powers, but I know that he wishes to kill me. My humans say he's just a plate of steel, but they are wrong. He is all powerful and deadly and he wants to takeover the world even more than the squirrels do. But I was forced to run across him yesterday, chilled to the bone as my nails clacked against him and his steeliness. It was terrifying.

This is what's happening woof now,

C. Dork Dog

My Humans Do Not Understand Life

Hi World-of-Bacon-Makers-Who-Refuse-To-Give-Me-Their-Meaty-Bacon-y-Awesome,

I fear I do not come with good news. No, my news is very tragic indeed. I have made a terrible discovery. Humans do not understand life. It's sad really, the way they don't understand  that when the squirrels in our backyard twirl their tails, they are actually planning revenge on the Human Clan for cutting down all of their nut trees. And though I love trees, because they smell good and I hear I would be dead without them, I am on the side of Human, because if they didn't have us dogs, they would have no one to explain the worldly ways to them, and then the ants would takeover, which would suck. Anyway, back to the topic at hand, which is: HUMANS BEING COMPLETELY BONKERS!
               Yesterday, I was yelling at my humans for being stupid and they kept cocking their heads and being all like "Why are you barking for no reason? What is your problem? Are you feeling needy?" and I was just like "I AM NOT BARKING FOR NO REASON, I AM BARKING BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID AND I WANT STEAK! ALSO, YOUR ENTIRE RACE IS DOOMED." But they were all "Poor puppy, do you need more water?" And I gave up and pretended I WAS a poor needy puppy, because they pet me, and I love when they do that. But, FYI, I am NOT needy!
         So, humans are a bit dim, but we dogs love them anyway. But do you know what's funniest? THEY think WE are dumb. Isn't that crazy? Their little minds are so self-conscious about their unwillingness to understand Life and all of its Rules and Wars and stuff that they have trained themselves into thinking they are the smartest race. I feel so bad for them, not knowing that they are soon to be dominated by, like, squirrels or bees or something. The polar bear WAS going to take over the world, which would've been cool, but, you know, they're going extinct and all, which doesn't really help with the scheming. Dogs WOULD take over the world, but we've already got humans trained to do exactly as we please. Cats don't have the brains to take over the world, plus they're too lazy. Squirrels, though evil, are probably the best bet. Which means I should maybe stop trying to kill them all and get on their good sides (Do they really have good sides?), because I do not want to be killed when they takeover. That would be bad. Very, very bad.
This is what's happening woof now,

C. Dork Dog

I should be re-named The Idea Dog

World,

I have just had the most brilliant idea in all of dogdom. 

It struck me while on a long car trip with my humans, and I instantly knew I was the dog equivalent of Einstein. 

I am sure all of the dogs out there sympathize with what I like to call "the big problem #2" (the big prob #1 is that I STILL don't have a throne of bacon!) the big problem #2 is our food. Dogs all over are forced to eat the strange kibble-y stuff that our humans say is "food", though they refuse to eat it themselves. We have been given this no-good dirt-food for years, and though hundreds of dogs have pondered a way to get rid of this horrid feeding system, I, Dork Dog, have found the solution. And, my dear doggy companions, this is it.

My solution? Refuse to eat the kibble-stuff! If you don't eat it, they will be forced to feed you delicious bacon and heavenly steak. We, the dogs, will finally eat like kings and queens. 

This is what's happening woof now,

C. Dork Dog

Glorious Pictures of Me!

Hello Again World!

I know I have redeemed myself with an evil plan, but since you have not seen pictures of me in a very long while, I am here to give you some. One cannot go without my adorable face for too long without suffering. I am, indeed, happy to display photographs of the awesome dog I call myself.

    Me, on a hike with my humans.

Me, being the most adorable creature to grace this universe.

    Me, being tired.

    Me, being tired AND adorable.

My not-so-humble apologies (and a wildebeest-including plan.)

Dear World,

I fear I have failed you! I have not blogged in such a long time. I feel like a majestic king who had let down his loyal subjects! I must redeem myself! And what better way to do it than an evil plan? 

"MEAT!" You howl. Well, that is true, meat is better than evil plans. But since I can not have a virtual meat feast with you, evil plans are second best.

And this time I've cooked up a grand scheme that will blow all of your little minds! I, the genius you know, have become EVEN MORE genius than last time! Now, I am unveiling a wonderful plan that will rid my domain of the EVIL BIRD! 

Brilliant, right? I believe I have informed you that a vile, loud substance has entered my home. A tweeting, yellow, flying demon who calls himself "a bird". But he doesn't look like any of those common brown things that fly outside! He has beady eyes like a bottomless pit, sharp and scaly feet that make me shudder, a beak like a knife and long, soft yellow and green feathers. He is out to eliminate me and my people, I just know it. But my humans are not convinced, they call him "birdie" and ooh and aww. They think he is but an innocent little thing, who would never harm a hair on their foolish heads! I've done everything in my power to change their minds, but it seems that the bird has brainwashed them! So now I must take matters into my own hands, with a plan like never before. After I'm done with him, that bird will wish he'd never been hatched! 

Plan:

Step #1. Get humans to leave door to the bird room open. 

Step #2. Get humans to leave house with the bird room door open.

Step #3. Acquire a chainsaw.

Step #4. Creep stealthily into the bird room, unnoticed by the demonic presence. 

Step#5. Chainsaw way through bird cage.

Step #6. Call upon herd of crazed wildebeest who owe me a favor.

Step #6 and 1/2. Find out how to get wildebeest to owe me favors. 

Step #7. Have wildebeest trample bird in a majestic and awesome stampede.

Step #8. Get rid of wildebeest.

Step #9. Have a celebratory bacon-eating party.

Step #10. Quickly scuttle to the couch, jump up and pretend to be innocently sleeping before the humans get home.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, puppies and dogs, is my foolproof and totally awesome plan. Isn't it a work of pure brilliance? Sometimes I wonder HOW I come up with this stuff! Once again, I am a genius. 

Have I redeemed myself now? Has this plan made me a better doggie blogger? I hope so, as I took months to create. I will update you when it has been completed.

This is what's happening woof now,

C. Dork Dog

I am doomed.

I, Dork Dog, am scarred for life. 

Why, you may ask, am I so terrified? Here is why:

I have been socked. Sock-i-fied. I am forever ashamed. Why didn't I stop the sick torture of socks? Why? I may never know.

This is what's happening woof now,

C. Dork Dog

New House? Bird Sitting? Hairless Cats?

Good Evening World,

My people moved to a new house. Which has its ups and downs. Ups: big good-smelling backyard full of grass to chew on and things to chase. New Smells. Downs: My people are bird-sitting! While their friends live overseas for a while, they are watching a pet lovebird. And I can't eat it! I'm so confused. I can't eat the rats and I can't eat the bird. Two gourmet meals right under my nose and I'm not even allowed a little bite!

Also, one of my people was saying they're going to shave off all my fur, make me eat catfood and make me a hairless cat! I don't want to be a hairless cat! Cats are weird and strange and almost as bad as squirrels! And they lick themselves all day (I definitely never ever do that. And if you see a dog that looks exactly like me licking himself, it is my evil twin Ferdinand.) I'm pretty sure my people were joking...but what if they weren't?

I can't stop thinking of the bird! It's loud and annoying and feathery and juicy and...I WANT BIRD STEW! This is not fair. It is my right as the dog to rid my house of all pests. Birds and rodent-things are pests. But I am forbidden to follow the sacred code of dogdom! What shall I do????????

On the upside, my people took me on a nice walk today. I got to sniff things. And I wrote a poem:

Sniff Sniff Sniff

Wag Wag Wag

Sniff Sniff Sniff

Wag Wag Sniff

Isn't it beautiful? I tear up everytime I read it. I should be a poet, and I know it! Ha ha...get it? Maybe I'll write a book and have it published. I'll call it The Totally Super Awesome Life of Dork Dog and it will be the bestest best-seller that's ever been best sold! Every dog and human in the world would read it! The squirrels and cats would all envy me! I'd finally sit on a throne of bacon, eating a bone made out of cash! I can see it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I'm a seer. Since that is obviously the future. Maybe I'll become a professional seer as well. I am multi-talented! I can do it all! Every single thing that has ever been done, I can do BETTER! I will rule the world!!!!! TO THE DRAWING BOARD!

This is what's happening woof now,

C. Dork Dog

Wonderful pictures of the one and only:)

Hello Dogs and Dog-Lovers!

How are you today? I bet you're bored, you could use a nice good dose of adorable Dork Dog! And even if you're busy...you should stare at me anyway. I'm absolutely stunning! I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while, I've been extremely busy with important dog things that any humans reading wouldn't understand. Eating, sleeping, playing, sniffing, barking at dust...that sort of stuff. Very awesome. Oh, and I got a new TOY! It's a blue shark toy that I just LOOOOVE!!! {Editor Human's note: it's a myth that dogs can't see color. They can see the color blue...everything else is like a yellowish color I think.} I've also been grooming myself...I've got a very shiny coat! Anyway...here are the pics!

this is what's happening woof now,

C. Dork Dog

The 5 Steps of Begging (sucessfully!)

Hello All!

These are the five steps of begging...very honorary rules that have been passed down through many doggy generations, a sacred gift from father to son, mother to daughter, dog to dog. I have decided to share these traditions with anyone who reads this...for they are awesome and you should totally try it, if you're a dog...since it doesn't work for humans.

Step 1: Pinpoint the weakling. There is always one human around that it most willing to share their tasty snack...find them and TAKE THEM DOWN. (not literally!)

Step 2: Sit. Stay. Act like the model of perfection. If the human sees you being good, they will be more likely to slip you a piece of steak.

Step 3: Widen your eyes and tilt your head so your ears hang kind of lopsided (This trick works best for the floppy-eared dogs, it's sure to bring a squeal of joy from your human.)

Step 4: Whine quietly and paw at the air...it gives just the right amount of desperation and sadness, without making you seem pathetic. The human will practically melt in your cuteness...it's fail-proof!

Step 5: Sniff the air, maybe let your tongue loll out of your mouth...if that looks good on you, I suggest you practice in the mirror, since it looks half-crazed on some dogs, but adorable on others. See what suits you.

After you've done all these things, you should have a juicy strip of bacon or a slice of cheese for your hard labor! Enjoy!

This is what's happening woof now,

C. Dork Dog

Bored

Hi World,

I'm extremely bored, I haven't socialized with other doggy pals in ages...and my humans are great and all, but they really don't know all the dog rules that make everything all sacred and awesome. There's this super pretty husky that lives next door, and we talk to each other through the fence, but it's still not the same. Stupid walls. I could jump over the fence if I wanted to, I really could, but I don't want to ruin the fence or anything. And I can hear your sarcasm! I CAN jump the fence! I can! I'll post pics of moi later!

this is what's happening woof now,

C. Dork Dog

Loophole!!!

Guess what I found??? A LOOPHOLE!!! And not just any regular old loophole...a loophole for the "NO DOGS ON THE COUCH!" rule!!!! Want to see?

Technically I am not all the way ON the couch...my feet are on the floor...therefore I am not breaking any stupid rules. HA!!!

This is what's happening woof now,

C.Dork Dog